I Need Your Trust To Trust You

I don't feel safe. I feel vulnerable. I feel insecure. There are just so many things that have been running on my mind. I can't think straight and I'm blinded by my doubts. Honestly it feels like exploding. Not in the mind, but here beneath my chest. It hurts. Too much. And tears can't seem to wash the mess away.

There are just too much to forget. Too much to forgive. It's suffocating how much old hateful things don't seem to be receding and new ones are piling. I need more than an apology speech and beautiful promises to make it up to my dying heart. Love alone is not enough to fix me. To fix us. We need more than just love. We need respect. We need trust. I can't seem to love any other being more than I love him. But that alone is not enough to save me from drowning in those haunting memories of him killing every bit of me and my trust with so much of betrayal and unkept promises. I hate him with her, and her, and her, and her, and her. Just so many to forget. The more I try to forget, the more it is glued to my mind when he leaves me in the dark. Suspicion arises. 

It's not about not constantly updating me every half an hour when he doesn't turn up at my door on the weekends. But it's about how he's always keeping me in the dark. 

Is he alright?
Where could he be? 
What is he up to today? 
Who is he meeting up with? 
Who is talking to without me knowing?
Doesn't he think of me? 
Or how I am wondering of his absence? 
Why didn't he tell me anything and disappears for the whole day? 
Doesn't he think how would this failure of communication hurt me? 

Those questions are killing me every time. Every minute is filled with unnecessary thoughts, revolving around why is he keeping it a secret? The longer the hours, the uglier they grow. The more he's trying to keep me out, the more suspicious I get. It's not about talking to his exes, texting them and asking them out for a drink. It's about doing it behind my back. Locking his phone away from my reach. If he has nothing to hide from me then why lock it? Again, what's with all the secrets? Not wanting me to know anything. Why am I being left out of it? Why won't he include me in that particular niche of his life when he's asking me to be part of it? 

I feel betrayed.

That one thing I need is a thing he wouldn't and couldn't give me. Trust. And it's not always about me, he was hurting like I did. We fell apart to realize that we need nobody else better than we need each other. I know why he won't trust me again. We did a fair share of mistakes in the past. We caused pain to each other. 

What he doesn't understand is, it is a lot for me to take in before I could find a little space in my heart for him and for us to grow again. And I need to trust him first before I can let him set his root there. I need to feel secure. I need to believe that he won't stab me with this final chance I'm giving. I need to learn to suppress those horrid memories hard, I need to walk past it, I need to keep reminding myself, "Me and him, we are starting new, we have learned much and matured, trying to patch each other's hearts", for me to be able to trust him. Sadly he couldn't do the same for me. He couldn't give that same trust to me. 

If only he knows, how many walls he had broken down when he shares things with me, his dark past, his mistakes, his regrets, things that he thinks I might hate to hear. Those are the things he did that made me feel secure, safe. Like he really wanted me to be part  of his life. He involved me. And when he did, forgiving seemed a lot easier to do. It had led me to be happy once with him, with us, no matter how much he screwed up.

In the end, it is just like a mirror. As much as I'm struggling to forgive him, he is struggling to forgive me just as much. When he still won't try to forgive me, can't walk past our regrets in the past, he could never give me that trust I need. When he doesn't trust me, he'd be doing things that don't allow me to trust him back. He'd be doing things that don't respect me. When I can't trust him, I'll be having doubts about him, nightmares that he might kill my heart again. I'm traumatized. Respecting him back would be hard. It's a vicious cycle, that's hurting both of us now. When both of us know well that we can't be apart and happy at the same time. 

But this is tearing us down, if we couldn't fix this, we won't survive for long. Me and him, we really have to reflect on ourselves. I don't want to be having second thoughts on our marriage every night before I go to sleep anymore. 

I love you, Adib. And I don't want us to lose each other again.

February Is Here

I've always had a soft spot for February and today is the fourth day of the lovely month. It's been five years since 4th February 2011. Gosh, that day will always be remembered. Clearly! I bet Adib won't recover from that too. Haha. 

And 14th is around the corner. I wonder what can I do this year to beat last year's. Gotta start thinking.

I Skipped A Year

Notice that I haven't written anything in 2015? Truth is, there were just too much to write. 2015 has been the saddest, the most confusing, the most regrettable, the most heartbreaking ever since its first day but yet, it has given me hope for a new beginning. The final quarter of the year was great. It was heavenly, blissful. I've got my hope for love, once again.

And today is the first day of a new year. A year of hectic preparation. Truth is, I'm thrilled! The best days are yet to come.

"It's What Is Left Over"

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” 

― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Tuhan Berikan Aku Petunjuk

Allah, berikan aku petunjukMu dan berikan dia hidayahMu. Lindungi dia dari kemusnahan yang dicipta sendiri dan turunkan aku kurnia dan hadiah dariMu untuk memujuk dan mengembirakan hatiku yang dikhianati.

Jobstreet Career Fair With The Boys

Career Fair in Mid Valley Exhibition Centre on last Friday. We had fun! Enuf said, for now.

14th February 2013

"Should I be jumping with joy or what? Exactly 365 days left until our wedding date. My final year as a bachelorette!"

At least that's what I'm going to write today if things were still the same. Me and him still together. We'd be going out for a movie after he finished work. We'd watch Safe Haven and a lovely dinner together after that. We'd be chatting all the way with his hands on my waist talking about our years of waiting to finally get to this day. If only things are really that nice. If-only.

Well basically today didn't start like my normal boring days. I was busy as hell since yesterday. And yesterday started like this: I woke up to go get my Baucar Buku 1Malaysia in the Finance Department, which took me a hour just to be standing idly in the queue. Tak bergerak. Lambat gila kakak tu buat kerja, seriously. By the time I got my vouchers, it's already 11 am. Okay, enough complaining. So, straight to Pasar Seni to get my flowers and then on my way back, picked up some groceries for cheese carbonara spaghetti. All for my little 14th February celebration.

So yesterday I got a few stalks of fresh lilies, a sunflower and two roses. I actually wanted white lilies, but it seemed semua tak kembang lagi. The shop owner told me it'll take at least two days for them to bloom. Mana sempat! But I managed to get a bunch of white-pink lilies with one stalk of fully-bloomed white lily yang tersesat. Nak jugak tu. As for the roses, the staffs told me that they don't sell roses per stalk. I have to take at least a bunch which consists of 20 roses. Nak buek apo den bunga banyak-banyak, bukan nak mandi bunga pun. Then I saw the owner again at the counter and I asked her if I could take just two. And she said of course I can! Woohoo! All those flowers costs me only one-eighth of the cost of one small lily bouquet in KLCC. Gila mark up, I hetchu! But with the price I got, means I had to do the wrapping on my own. Memang nak wrap sendiri pun, so tak kesah la kan. 

Okay, on my way back I stopped by OTK to get the ingredients for my carbonara. I had the idea of serving the carbonara with green mussels since like...I can't remember. Mengidam lama dah. 

What I had in mind, initially. But I substituted all the other seafood with meatballs.

Yela dulu ada orang bawak pegi makan western food kat Kampung Baru, dapat la makan mussels sekali sekala kan. Sekarang terpaksa la masak sendiri je. Sob. 

Look what I found. This is art!!!

Then, voila! Mussels were on sale! Terus masuk trolley. After I got all the groceries needed, I went to a wedding craft shop nearby to get my wrappers and ribbon for the lily bouquet. Lepas tu, balik lah. Kaki dah penat, tak sabar nak baring kat katil. I reached UIA by 4 o'clock.

Last night, I raid on my architecture stuff to see if I could find anything to be made into a small box. A box to put something in. At last, my brown craft board and glossy model board. So I worked on it through the night and after it's done I went checking on my flowers to see how they're doing. The lilies smelled so nice! Semerbak satu bilik. Love it! Okay, straight to the point now. Actually I am planning on a little celebration of today, February 14th 2013, to celebrate the-supposed-to-be our final year of waiting till our wedding. It's really sad though, I admit. But I figure that I ought to have something to reminisce, the last memory of celebration that I could share with Adib my love, if it was the last one I could have. 

I woke up this morning to not realizing just when did I fall asleep last night. So without any delay, I went on struggling with the wrappers to tuck my lilies in. Honestly this is my first time wrapping a flower bouquet-from scratch. Repeat, from scratch. I would say I took about more than a couple hours just to have the wrappers, the flowers and the gold ribbon nicely in place. Nice ke?? Satu bouquet pun berjam-jam, boleh campak jauh-jauh la kot angan-angan nak bukak kedai bunga kan. 

Here they are, my pretty lilies.

Proses memasak spaghetti dan sos carbonara keju bersama mussels (I don't know what they're called in Malay) bermula selepas jambangan lily menjadi hand bouquet dan hadiah misteri siap diikat ribbon di dalam kotak buatan sendiri tadi. Okay, the mystery gift was nothing much pun, just a pack of seaweed snack. Over pulak berkotak beribbon bagai. Seaweed je pun. But hey, it is not just any seaweed snack. It was our favourite seaweed snack. We would go nuts whenever we find it in supermarkets. Macam dua orang budak kecik jumpa cotton candy colour pelangi. Teruja. 

Sedap gila oi benda ni. Boleh high kalau makan.

Susah kot nak cari classic flavour tu! I can't help but remember Adib whenever I see it anywhere too now. So I decided to buy it for him when I saw it in Isetan fresh market couple days ago. Teringat pulak selalu makan seaweed tu kat Jusco Maluri and kat Pandan Indah. Sigh...rindunya.

After siap masak untuk Adib tersayang and all his colleagues dengan penuh kasih sayang, time to pack it and lay all the mussels on top of the spaghetti. 

My cheese carbonara spaghetti with mussels and meatballs. Dah siap packed!

To be frank, the mussels remind me so much of our memories in Kampung Baru. They're Adib's favourite. Mine too, of course. Tengok Adib makan dengan penuh minat, I could just smile and stare at him all night. Somehow it's this odd-but-very-pleasant feeling to feed him with his favourite food and see him eating happily until he's full. Motherly-wifey instinct? Well, probably.

With everything was almost done, time to write my Adib a goodbye letter. The saddest part of all. 

To be continued.