You Made Me Who I Am

Remember how you would always say this line to me?

"You made me the man I am now."

You would say how I have contributed all along for you to become the man you are now, gladly. I really wish I could say the same, with the same feeling, Adib. Because at night I would often cry seeing what kind of person I have become now because of you. Cold hearted, harsh, angry, sarcastic, most of all, sad. Yes, I blame you for making me into this kind of person, really.

You know, when I was younger I had always wished I would grow up to be the big hearted, forgiving, loving woman. I never wanted any grudges to live in me. I never wanted to be angry, full with contempt and hatred. I never wanted any of those. I would want to always forgive, I would always want to able to trust, and be trusted. I would always want to love. Love as much as I can.

What have you done to that girl, Adib? I think I have lost her now. I weeped. I cried. You have put so much in her way. You have made her feel pain that she could not bear. You have made her stone hard. And now I hate what I see in the mirror. You did not fix her. You did not correct her. You being you, you get even.

Yes that is you. You can't handle being hurt. Being in pain. You inflict the pain back instead of healing yourself. Even when I back down, you push me to the edge. You need to get even.

I am still waiting for the day when God would untangle, divide and separate our paths and pull out all the love I still have for you. Maybe only then, you would find the peace and the dream you had always wanted. Life without this "thing" you created. Life without me.