You Made Me Who I Am

Remember how you would always say this line to me?

"You made me the man I am now."

You would say how I have contributed all along for you to become the man you are now, gladly. I really wish I could say the same, with the same feeling, Adib. Because at night I would often cry seeing what kind of person I have become now because of you. Cold hearted, harsh, angry, sarcastic, most of all, sad. Yes, I blame you for making me into this kind of person, really.

You know, when I was younger I had always wished I would grow up to be the big hearted, forgiving, loving woman. I never wanted any grudges to live in me. I never wanted to be angry, full with contempt and hatred. I never wanted any of those. I would want to always forgive, I would always want to able to trust, and be trusted. I would always want to love. Love as much as I can.

What have you done to that girl, Adib? I think I have lost her now. I weeped. I cried. You have put so much in her way. You have made her feel pain that she could not bear. You have made her stone hard. And now I hate what I see in the mirror. You did not fix her. You did not correct her. You being you, you get even.

Yes that is you. You can't handle being hurt. Being in pain. You inflict the pain back instead of healing yourself. Even when I back down, you push me to the edge. You need to get even.

I am still waiting for the day when God would untangle, divide and separate our paths and pull out all the love I still have for you. Maybe only then, you would find the peace and the dream you had always wanted. Life without this "thing" you created. Life without me.

Things I Love About You

1. You make me happy

Things I Hate About You

1. You lie
2. You lie
3. You lie
4. You cheat
5. You are not exclusive
6. You are emotionally selfish
7. You make promises you don't intend to keep 
8. You rehearse the same lines you gave me to others too
9. You toy with my feelings whenever it suits you
10. You don't value my tears as if you were not the cause
11. You use flattery to make people fall for you though you don't mean most of it
12. You don't feel guilty breaking hearts
13. You sleep around yet you want a faithful wife
14. You enjoy attention from many
15. You try hard to seek approval from your so-called friends
16. You treat me like you love me but speak ill of me to others
17. You are manipulative with words
18. You put marriage and future plans in your word games
19. You collect nudes from girls and give out yours freely
20. You are not transparent in relationship 
21. You don't hesitate to sacrifice my reputation in front of your family
22. You hate to be corrected too though you think you don't
23. You are really cheap with 'sayang', 'baby', 'beautiful'

To Love You Eternally, Even When I Can't

Letting You Go, I Once Promised I Won't

I really want you to be happy, Adib. Really, I do. But my heart is breaking into pieces by just the thought of you being with someone else. Here I am smiling for you during the day and cry my heart out to God at night.

I'm not ready to let you go just yet. Guess I never will. Never want to. :'(

"But Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I am grateful."

― Hazel Grace, The Fault In Our Stars