Tuhan Berikan Aku Petunjuk

Allah, berikan aku petunjukMu dan berikan dia hidayahMu. Lindungi dia dari kemusnahan yang dicipta sendiri dan turunkan aku kurnia dan hadiah dariMu untuk memujuk dan mengembirakan hatiku yang dikhianati.

Jobstreet Career Fair With The Boys

Career Fair in Mid Valley Exhibition Centre on last Friday. We had fun! Enuf said, for now.

14th February 2013

"Should I be jumping with joy or what? Exactly 365 days left until our wedding date. My final year as a bachelorette!"

At least that's what I'm going to write today if things were still the same. Me and him still together. We'd be going out for a movie after he finished work. We'd watch Safe Haven and a lovely dinner together after that. We'd be chatting all the way with his hands on my waist talking about our years of waiting to finally get to this day. If only things are really that nice. If-only.

Well basically today didn't start like my normal boring days. I was busy as hell since yesterday. And yesterday started like this: I woke up to go get my Baucar Buku 1Malaysia in the Finance Department, which took me a hour just to be standing idly in the queue. Tak bergerak. Lambat gila kakak tu buat kerja, seriously. By the time I got my vouchers, it's already 11 am. Okay, enough complaining. So, straight to Pasar Seni to get my flowers and then on my way back, picked up some groceries for cheese carbonara spaghetti. All for my little 14th February celebration.

So yesterday I got a few stalks of fresh lilies, a sunflower and two roses. I actually wanted white lilies, but it seemed semua tak kembang lagi. The shop owner told me it'll take at least two days for them to bloom. Mana sempat! But I managed to get a bunch of white-pink lilies with one stalk of fully-bloomed white lily yang tersesat. Nak jugak tu. As for the roses, the staffs told me that they don't sell roses per stalk. I have to take at least a bunch which consists of 20 roses. Nak buek apo den bunga banyak-banyak, bukan nak mandi bunga pun. Then I saw the owner again at the counter and I asked her if I could take just two. And she said of course I can! Woohoo! All those flowers costs me only one-eighth of the cost of one small lily bouquet in KLCC. Gila mark up, I hetchu! But with the price I got, means I had to do the wrapping on my own. Memang nak wrap sendiri pun, so tak kesah la kan. 

Okay, on my way back I stopped by OTK to get the ingredients for my carbonara. I had the idea of serving the carbonara with green mussels since like...I can't remember. Mengidam lama dah. 

What I had in mind, initially. But I substituted all the other seafood with meatballs.

Yela dulu ada orang bawak pegi makan western food kat Kampung Baru, dapat la makan mussels sekali sekala kan. Sekarang terpaksa la masak sendiri je. Sob. 

Look what I found. This is art!!!

Then, voila! Mussels were on sale! Terus masuk trolley. After I got all the groceries needed, I went to a wedding craft shop nearby to get my wrappers and ribbon for the lily bouquet. Lepas tu, balik lah. Kaki dah penat, tak sabar nak baring kat katil. I reached UIA by 4 o'clock.

Last night, I raid on my architecture stuff to see if I could find anything to be made into a small box. A box to put something in. At last, my brown craft board and glossy model board. So I worked on it through the night and after it's done I went checking on my flowers to see how they're doing. The lilies smelled so nice! Semerbak satu bilik. Love it! Okay, straight to the point now. Actually I am planning on a little celebration of today, February 14th 2013, to celebrate the-supposed-to-be our final year of waiting till our wedding. It's really sad though, I admit. But I figure that I ought to have something to reminisce, the last memory of celebration that I could share with Adib my love, if it was the last one I could have. 

I woke up this morning to not realizing just when did I fall asleep last night. So without any delay, I went on struggling with the wrappers to tuck my lilies in. Honestly this is my first time wrapping a flower bouquet-from scratch. Repeat, from scratch. I would say I took about more than a couple hours just to have the wrappers, the flowers and the gold ribbon nicely in place. Nice ke?? Satu bouquet pun berjam-jam, boleh campak jauh-jauh la kot angan-angan nak bukak kedai bunga kan. 

Here they are, my pretty lilies.

Proses memasak spaghetti dan sos carbonara keju bersama mussels (I don't know what they're called in Malay) bermula selepas jambangan lily menjadi hand bouquet dan hadiah misteri siap diikat ribbon di dalam kotak buatan sendiri tadi. Okay, the mystery gift was nothing much pun, just a pack of seaweed snack. Over pulak berkotak beribbon bagai. Seaweed je pun. But hey, it is not just any seaweed snack. It was our favourite seaweed snack. We would go nuts whenever we find it in supermarkets. Macam dua orang budak kecik jumpa cotton candy colour pelangi. Teruja. 

Sedap gila oi benda ni. Boleh high kalau makan.

Susah kot nak cari classic flavour tu! I can't help but remember Adib whenever I see it anywhere too now. So I decided to buy it for him when I saw it in Isetan fresh market couple days ago. Teringat pulak selalu makan seaweed tu kat Jusco Maluri and kat Pandan Indah. Sigh...rindunya.

After siap masak untuk Adib tersayang and all his colleagues dengan penuh kasih sayang, time to pack it and lay all the mussels on top of the spaghetti. 

My cheese carbonara spaghetti with mussels and meatballs. Dah siap packed!

To be frank, the mussels remind me so much of our memories in Kampung Baru. They're Adib's favourite. Mine too, of course. Tengok Adib makan dengan penuh minat, I could just smile and stare at him all night. Somehow it's this odd-but-very-pleasant feeling to feed him with his favourite food and see him eating happily until he's full. Motherly-wifey instinct? Well, probably.

With everything was almost done, time to write my Adib a goodbye letter. The saddest part of all. 

To be continued.

Month of Love

It's February and it's the month of love. Sedar tak sedar dah masuk bulan Februari. Bila dah kerja rasa sekejap je sebulan. Kalau bulan-bulan Februari sebelum ni, mesti akan sama-sama countdown lagi berapa tahun until our wedding date. And now it's only a year left, we're supposed to be super thrilled about it right? But now we're just strangers with memories.

Well, maybe.

Ujian demi ujian, penyakit demi penyakit. Aku terima dengan redha Ya Allah jika ini semua adalah kafarah untuk dosa-dosaku yang lampau. First, it was eye infection on both eyes, sore throat and batuk during the first week of work. The whole week. Great combo together with my period of the month. Tak sempat nak sembuh betul-betul pun, demam pulak datang. Elok je nak kebah sikit, kena food poisoning pulak. And now I'm bleeding again. I don't want to call it period because I just finished a cycle a week ago. Berapa kali nak period, dah la darah turun banyak. But I thank Allah because dalam macam-macam penyakit pun, I still manage to go to work and be happy with my new awesome friends. Yay!

They put back my smile and laughter. Genuine ones. :)

But today I got another sad news. There were tears rolling down my cheeks as I talked to Abah just now. But he told me not to cry, that God has planned everything for me and everything's going to be alright. And no more tears after that, just my mind automatically gushing out strategies and new life plans. My NEW LIFE begins starting from NOW. 

New Year, New Hope

Hope. Life is pointless without hope, right? Yes, it does keep us surviving this life, but does hope really gives us the happiness that we want in life? To me, it does. It did. And it will always do. But too much hope can be fatal. I know it damn well because I've been there, and I've risked my entire heart for the hope of just becoming "happier" than I ever was. It wasn't wrong but my mistake was, I forgot that too much of goodness does ruin.  Regardless of whether too much of heart being put out or too much hope, both were mistakes. My humanly mistakes as a girl who was ignorantly happy and in love.

For once, life taught me that I haven't put my hope on the right place, the place where it deserves to be. I finally realized. The reason I ended up with a torn heart was because, I put it on SOMEONE. You see, whenever we put hopes on humans, they'll always fail us, sooner or later. I forgot that there is only one who will never fails me. He was with me all along but I failed to put my hopes on Him. I forgot that only He who deserves my all. I forgot Him. My another mistake. The biggest one in fact.

As time goes by, we humans tend to get carried away when we are at the peak of happiness in our life. We forget every consequences that might await us. Well I did. Being with him, I unconsciously set my hopes higher and higher each day, because I thought that I am definitely gonna be happier than today when I open my eyes tomorrow. Because I was so confident that when I do, he will be the first thing that I would see. I believed that we were forever. And as long as we're together, there'll be no sorrow that we couldn't ward off. But it just didn't occur in my mind that maybe someday, he could leave. Honestly, I didn't even thought of it. Not even once.

Throughout my life, I've never been happier the moment I first fell in love with him. To me, he was my first love. It never felt like true love before I was with him. There wasn't a single thing that I regret. Even until now, all that we had are still my greatest treasure. Randomly I'd smile each time our memories played in my head. I still feel the warmth. The comforting warmth of him.

Before, it was my dad. And now, it's him. Both are the men I used to have all my hopes on. For once, they did convince me that they will make me the happiest girl ever. They did. It's just that, it wasn't meant to be forever even they did promise me so. The moment I've lost my hope on my dad, he came to me and gave me new hope. Now that he decided to leave too, I can only depend on God. Only He knows everything that I hope for now and only He understands when I silently "talk" to Him with my tears. 

It's new year again. Even I was always left hurt because of one divine thing called hope, I will never ever lose any. Because like I said, hope keeps me survive this life. This rocky brief life of mine. The difference is, this time I've learnt my lessons. The right amount and the right place to put it on, this is the way I'll eventually find my happiness. I hope. 

Speechless

There were too many things that happened to us, between us and around us that I don't have the strength to write everything down anymore. 

Zodiac

Yesterday I talked to someone who happened to have the exact same situation like what I'm going through right now. One thing that caught my attention was how good he understands people's characteristics through his observation with guidelines from what we called, zodiac. Obviously we can't put our faith in this thing, I know. What I'm trying to tell is, even if there was no such thing as zodiac exists, I do still think that our birth to this world, like for example the time of birth, hold the mysteries in telling how our characteristics will be. And again, I'm not saying that what I said just now is true. It is just my humanly-prone-to-making-mistakes personal opinion. 

Just now I googled something about 'jodoh'. Yes, I'm still in mourn for what have happened. I was trying to find some religious articles about jodoh, something that I think maybe could coax my heart a bit. And one of the results that came out was "Pilihan Jodoh Sesuai Zodiak". Lain yang dicari lain yang diklik kan. Sigh. This is what actually made me remember yesterday's conversation, and what makes me want to write this piece right now. What I found was pretty much 'kena' with our characteristics. 

VIRGO (23 Agustus – 22 September)

Cewek virgo memiliki standard tinggi dalam menentukan pasangan. Cenderung menikah di usia cukup dewasa dan hanya jika telah mendapatkan pasangan yang mampu memenuhi standard. Seorang ibu rumah tangga yang sempurna, orangtua yang tegas, dan pasangan yang baik. Sering kali menarik perhatian banyak pria di usia pertengahan.

SAGITARIUS (22 November – 21 Desember)

Cowok sagitarius sulit bahagia dengan hanya satu wanita. Sulit berkomitmen dan tidak suka berhubungan terlalu dekat dengan seseorang. Memerlukan kebebasan dan menyingkirkan cemburu pada pasangan. Memilih wanita berpengalaman, yang mampu membuat cinta menjadi lebih ringan. Menyukai pasangan dengan selera humor tinggi. Memiliki rasa ingin tahu yang besar terhadap segala hal.

As for mine, "cenderung menikah di usia cukup dewasa" tu memang sah-sah tak betul. Hehe. I want to be a 'legal' partner to my man, and I want us to improve our amal to Him, together. Be his wife during this life and be his wife in Jannah too. It's really nice just to think about it right? When we have the one person we love the most by our side, striving for the afterlife eternal happiness, what else would I want in this world other than this? Tears, please hold yourself from falling. 

As for his, what can I say? They do sound like the truth. The commitment part was exactly like what he told me himself. He told me that he's uncomfortable with us being too close now. But we were even closer before and we've never been any happier. Strange. It stuns me sometimes to see how people can change that much. But yes, people do change. I changed too. I guess it's my fault for being too happy and to have thought that this will never happen to us. But what can I do, my feet were swept off the ground and he took me flying really high. Just when everything seems so beautiful when we were further from the ground, I never thought that he would let me go and I couldn't even get up again after I fell.

But still, I don't even know why I'm still loving him. Maybe that's what happens when we truly love someone not just for his good side, but for the other side as well. I think. Or maybe it's just plain stupidity. I don't know. I wish I could fall asleep for years and wake up to see what's waiting for me there. It's just too painful to stay awake now. Dear Allah, please help me out of this grief. Please.