I don't feel safe. I feel vulnerable. I feel insecure. There are just so many things that have been running on my mind. I can't think straight and I'm blinded by my doubts. Honestly it feels like exploding. Not in the mind, but here beneath my chest. It hurts. Too much. And tears can't seem to wash the mess away.
There are just too much to forget. Too much to forgive. It's suffocating how much old hateful things don't seem to be receding and new ones are piling. I need more than an apology speech and beautiful promises to make it up to my dying heart. Love alone is not enough to fix me. To fix us. We need more than just love. We need respect. We need trust. I can't seem to love any other being more than I love him. But that alone is not enough to save me from drowning in those haunting memories of him killing every bit of me and my trust with so much of betrayal and unkept promises. I hate him with her, and her, and her, and her, and her. Just so many to forget. The more I try to forget, the more it is glued to my mind when he leaves me in the dark. Suspicion arises.
It's not about not constantly updating me every half an hour when he doesn't turn up at my door on the weekends. But it's about how he's always keeping me in the dark.
Is he alright?
Where could he be?
What is he up to today?
Who is he meeting up with?
Who is talking to without me knowing?
Doesn't he think of me?
Or how I am wondering of his absence?
Why didn't he tell me anything and disappears for the whole day?
Doesn't he think how would this failure of communication hurt me?
Those questions are killing me every time. Every minute is filled with unnecessary thoughts, revolving around why is he keeping it a secret? The longer the hours, the uglier they grow. The more he's trying to keep me out, the more suspicious I get. It's not about talking to his exes, texting them and asking them out for a drink. It's about doing it behind my back. Locking his phone away from my reach. If he has nothing to hide from me then why lock it? Again, what's with all the secrets? Not wanting me to know anything. Why am I being left out of it? Why won't he include me in that particular niche of his life when he's asking me to be part of it?
I feel betrayed.
That one thing I need is a thing he wouldn't and couldn't give me. Trust. And it's not always about me, he was hurting like I did. We fell apart to realize that we need nobody else better than we need each other. I know why he won't trust me again. We did a fair share of mistakes in the past. We caused pain to each other.
What he doesn't understand is, it is a lot for me to take in before I could find a little space in my heart for him and for us to grow again. And I need to trust him first before I can let him set his root there. I need to feel secure. I need to believe that he won't stab me with this final chance I'm giving. I need to learn to suppress those horrid memories hard, I need to walk past it, I need to keep reminding myself, "Me and him, we are starting new, we have learned much and matured, trying to patch each other's hearts", for me to be able to trust him. Sadly he couldn't do the same for me. He couldn't give that same trust to me.
If only he knows, how many walls he had broken down when he shares things with me, his dark past, his mistakes, his regrets, things that he thinks I might hate to hear. Those are the things he did that made me feel secure, safe. Like he really wanted me to be part of his life. He involved me. And when he did, forgiving seemed a lot easier to do. It had led me to be happy once with him, with us, no matter how much he screwed up.
In the end, it is just like a mirror. As much as I'm struggling to forgive him, he is struggling to forgive me just as much. When he still won't try to forgive me, can't walk past our regrets in the past, he could never give me that trust I need. When he doesn't trust me, he'd be doing things that don't allow me to trust him back. He'd be doing things that don't respect me. When I can't trust him, I'll be having doubts about him, nightmares that he might kill my heart again. I'm traumatized. Respecting him back would be hard. It's a vicious cycle, that's hurting both of us now. When both of us know well that we can't be apart and happy at the same time.
But this is tearing us down, if we couldn't fix this, we won't survive for long. Me and him, we really have to reflect on ourselves. I don't want to be having second thoughts on our marriage every night before I go to sleep anymore.
I love you, Adib. And I don't want us to lose each other again.
